Just a bunch of anxiety rant.

 This just a rant about my anxiety let me tell you I fucking hate it. I have taken few different medication which would make feel little more calmer or relax. Which I can't tell or not if its working considering my anxiety runs on social interactions. 

I would say i'm the type of person who follows others but wants to be a leader but i'm to scared of expressing my own opinions or speaking out of line. I tend to overthink on certain things for example my future, jobs, house and people i'm wondering that would stay with me. 

Talking to friends help that's true but at the same time its like a distraction and get some stress of my chest for certain things, like the stuff I listed before. But I think I was just born to be a loner, I was always quiet and shy when I was younger which both my parents would agree. 

I don't have much memory about my childhood but I know I was more comfortable with people who were struggling same way as me with learning problems. I don't know why I struggle with making conversations now back then i was the same way but little better at it. 

Maybe it has to do with fear of objection or people getting angry at me. My anxiety could be genetic as well since my father suffers from it to and long with my sister. 

Weather it was the anxiety cause of few things i do or its just generally bad habits i been making. I would likely rip my hair out even not in social situation. I would also pull my lips the same as my hair pulling. 

I part of me thinking OCD but another part of me is just really bad anxiety. 

I would compare my life a lot to other people even when i try not. My life i easily compare to other girls that have successful life and friends while half the time i feel like i'm stranded on an island alone with nothing to get me by. 

I was known for being ditched a lot and was thirdwheeling most of the time during high school and elementary school which also brings me the reason why i'm way that I am right now. 

But I just hope ill get better and maybe just maybe Ill feel less sad and more happy in the near future.